The will likely be spoilers, but should I talk about something super new I'll warn ya. But consider this a pre-emptive warning! You're WARNED!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The men of Resident Evil, ranked!

Yesterday my friend Travis and I ranked our favorite lady-folk from the Resident Evil series, and today we're fixin' to do the mens.

Favorite Male Characters (Stacie)

1. The Original Zombie

That's a guy, right? I assume? What a way to introduce the player to the fact that there are zombies all over Spencer Mansion! You're just wandering around empty hallways, looking for your missing S.T.A.R.S. teammates, then BAM, there's a zombie layin' the chomp down on a very dead Kenneth of Bravo Team. And then the zombie looks at you! And it's gross! And then it gets up and starts shambling after you, and if you are me (or Jill Valentine) you momentarily lose your shit and you run. So good.

2. The Guy Who Says "Resident...Evil"

Sure, it's not the same guy every time, but you know what I mean. I can't say "Resident Evil" out loud without doing a horrible impression of this "scary" voice. That is just a warning, should you and I ever meet in person. I love love love how corny it always is (and sometimes it's so bad. SO BAD.)! If a Resident Evil game is ever released that doesn't feature this series staple, my anger will tear apart the heavens! Or I'll at least be like "Aw man."

3. Barry Burton

"I found something. It's a weapon. It's really powerful, especially against living things!" How great is Barry? Jill's Spencer Mansion partner and BFF is everyone's BFF. He's so befuddled by everything going on, and this befuddlement is a source of never-ending amusement ("I hope this is not Chris's blood!"). As if his dad jokes ("Jill Sandwich", anyone?) and his beard didn't already put him over the top, then he goes and fixes that annoying broken doorknob. Whatta guy!

4. Alfred Ashford

I talked about how super and superior Alexia Ashford is yesterday, remember? Well, her twin brother Alfred is like the Dollar Tree version of her. Inferior in every way, which has given him such a complex that he's taken to busting out his Caboodle and slathering makeup on his mug in an attempt to steal some of Alexia's shine. I don't blame him, though...we've all been there.

5. Clive O'Brian

BSAA Chief O'Brian pretty boring, right? How the frig is he my #5 favorite? Well, I find that he bears more than a passing resemblance to Peter Falk, which means that whenever I play Resident Evil: Revelations, I get to do my exceedingly bad Columbo impression ad nauseam. Why, just looking at his picture there is giving me all sorts of "Ah, just one more thing..." feelings.

6. The Merchant from Resident Evil 4

Man, when Resident Evil finally decides to give players an item shop, they sure do it in the weirdest fucking way possible. Out in the woods, in a cave...wherever you meet him, he's got some rare things on sale, stranger! What're ya buyin'?

7. Leon S. Kennedy (Resident Evil 2 only!)

I'm not sure why Capcom has such a boner for Leon, putting him front and center in all the CGI movies and so many games. Overall he's pretty damn bland if you ask me (GO AHEAD AND ASK ME), but I admit I have a soft spot for overwhelmed little baby rookie cop Leon in Resident Evil 2, because I love that game so much.

8. Brian Irons

As if battling your way through a walking dead-infested Raccoon City wasn't enough, you find out that Police Chief Irons has sold out to the evil Umbrella Corporation. Even worse, he's a total lunatic who murdered several officers under his charge. Even WAY worse, he killed the mayor's daughter and want to stuff the body and keep it as a "trophy". He's one of the biggest lunatics in the entire series, so of course he's on my list!

9. Helicopter Mike

We never even see his face, but oh how Helicopter Mike flew directly into our hearts! Or my heart, anyway. Is that a Noo Yawk accent? A Bahstun accent? Who cares! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go write some fanfiction where Helicopter Mike survives and he and Leon go have those drinks and then they fall in love and then they get married and Claire is at the wedding.

10. Brad Vickers

What! Brad "Chickenheart" Vickers? He deserves no place on any list! Oh yes he does! Wait, why am I arguing with myself here? Sorry about that. Listen, I know Brad is a big jerk, flying away in the chopper right when his teammates could use an evac. Or when he runs away instead of really telling Jill what's going on, that a huge fucking monster is about to relentlessly hunt her down. He's the worst! How did this wuss ever make it into S.T.A.R.S. to begin with? All that said, I really admire his full commitment to being an asshole.

Favorite Male Characters (Travis)

1. Barry Burton

Barry is your best friend in the Spencer Mansion. He’s there for you giving you grenades, lock picks, and saving you from getting all smushed-like. More than that, he’s representative of that enormous feeling of relief you get when you run into another living person in the Mansion. He’s also got a lot going on with his personal life, thanks to Wesker, and that leads him to have to make some pretty heavy decisions.

2. Albert Wesker

Albert is a big ol’ meanie head. Like, seriously, what a jerk. He makes for a great villain, though. Especially in Resident Evil. You don’t really know what’s going on with him. Do you trust him? With so much going on in that mansion, you don’t really time to think about it. He’s smart about his shenanigans, using the Spencer Mansion goings on as a diversion. It takes one heck of a team of S.T.A.R.S. to thwart a menacing menace like Wesker.

3. Piers Nivans

I love Piers. Seriously, he’s really great. He’s there to knock some sense into Chris when Chris is being obnoxious. Which is like, all the damn time in RE 6.  I’ll get into that later. It’s obvious that Piers cares a great deal about Chris. They’ve been through a lot together and when Piers makes the ultimate sacrifice to save Chris, it has a definite impact. The chapters starring Chris in RE 6 were almost unbearably annoying, but seeing Chris and Piers grow to depend on each other was really believable.

4. Richard Aiken

Oh, man. Richard wasn’t around a ton in Resident Evil, but he played a really impactful part. That whole section of the game where you have to save him from the poison was really gripping. It speaks a lot about the feeling of dread and loneliness that old school Resident Evil was able to evoke. When I rushed to get the antivenom for Richard it wasn’t just so he could live, it was also so I could have another friend alive in the mansion. Saving Richard was such a small but rewarding victory that allowed you to be briefly hopeful. When Richard ultimately meets his doom, it’s not only sad, it’s representative of how easily that hope can be snuffed out.

5. Chris Redfield

Let me be honest. I don’t really like Chris. Not anymore. It doesn’t have to do with his giant muscles or anything to do with not liking the newer games he stars in. I’ve always thought Chris was a little bland. I didn’t really get into his story in Resident Evil. Heck, I didn’t even save him from the Spencer Mansion detonation my first playthrough. But at least then he wasn’t incredibly offensive. As time went on Chris devolved into a massive man-child. Obnoxious doesn’t really begin to cover it. He’s been through a lot, that’s for sure, but his reactions don’t always make sense to me. When everyone else is moving on and dealing with what’s going on, Chris is throwing tantrums. He’s become selfish. So the Chris on this list is the one who picks himself up and deals with the shitty shitfest situations placed in front of him. Strength is representative of character, Capcom. 

6. Robert Kendo

Classic RE dialogue such as “Whew, sorry babe, I thought you were one of them!” and “But don’t you worry, girly! It’s safe in here. I’m keeping a close eye on things.” Unfortunately Kendo meets his demise almost immediately after uttering those last words. On the bright side, you get a shiny new weapon!

7. Jake Muller

Jake is kind of annoying to begin with. Eventually he becomes more likable, especially as his relationship develops with Sherry. At the conclusion of their scenario I was honestly a bit disappointed that they didn’t fly to Honolulu for an impromptu wedding. Jake’s macho compensation bullshit rebel attitude becomes much more tolerable when you realize that he’s not just in it for the money and ends up FIST FIGHTING the monster that has been tormenting you the entire game. As an added bonus he can be a pretty snappy dresser and he’s easy on the eyes.

8. Freaky Leech Dudes from Resident Evil 0

I’m not taking about the mega-leech dude. I’m talking about the ones that whip their arms back and forth in a manner that would make Willow Smith’s hair cry in a corner. Them dudes was freaky. I remember I spent TWENTY MINUTES psyching myself up to run past one of those assholes because I knew he was in a hallway just waiting to slap Billy’s ass as he ran by. Ugh. FREAKED ME OUT.

9. Marvin Branagh

Thanks for info…sorry I had to shoot you. R.I.P.

10. Alfred Ashford

Loopy doesn’t even begin to describe Alfred. He were crazy, he were. Dressing as his sister, sniping at you in a somewhat annoying battle. In fact, somewhat annoying is a pretty good way to describe Alfred overall. He was an extremely entertaining nuisance, that really made you realize you had gotten yourself into some mad shit.

And that's that, all our favorite humans! If there's one thing we've learned from all these lists, it's that Resident Evil is so great. Wait, we already knew that! Hmm, maybe we didn't learn anything. That's okay...learning is for nerds.

No comments: